My bloody finger prints mar your once beautiful face like so much war-paint at Wounded Knee. The fresh cuts and old scars tell stories that only you and I know; stories I don’t want told. Oh God, what a waste, what a life to have led. My aching heart sharpens and cuts inward with each pulse. But who do I blame? Who do I resent, Is it you?
I hate you for dying.
Your last escape.You stole my sons from me, and my youth. You stole my love, cast me aside because I was coarse. Used me. But I love you. And to that last moment when with pleading eyes you begged me to stop, perhaps you loved me still. But then why would you, how could you do this?
Oh God, What have I done? Your mangled body accuses me. Dezzie, sweet Dezzie, my love. I get so caught up in the moment. There was no premeditation, no forethought, I swear it! I came for my sons. I came for Jack and Zeke… But then you were there, you shouldn’t have been here! You were supposed to be at work. If only you had done what you were supposed to!
I had watched for weeks, planning, plotting, but you were here. You stood in my way, in my boys way. You stopped them from seeing their father. You tried to run from me, but you couldn’t steal them. How could they grow to be men without their father?
You screamed as I pushed open the door; a siren that had to be silenced, you’ll scare the children. The boys they shouldn’t fear me. You had to be silenced, so I did what I had to do. I cupped my hand lightly over your mouth and urged, but you would not listen. You swung your arms and bit and hissed, like an animal. I had no choice, I had to fight harder and harder. Then I pushed harder. My teeth gritted, scowl fixed.I hugged you tight to stop the squeal. I squeezed so that you would stop. Stop your screaming and your fighting, and the harder I gripped and squeezed the harder I wanted to squeeze. I felt my strength, my power. I relished the moment, until that sickening pop. Your ribs snapped; I could feel them move inside, like shards of glass. Slicing and tearing your insides with each short gasp. Then I dropped you, laid you on the ground. Not dead, but sleeping.
You didn’t stay silent long. You gasped for the boys to run. Run far away, to a neighbor’s house before I could get them. You pleaded with me to let them go. What am I, a monster? I called to Jack, but he would not come. He was crying. You taught him that. That is not what a man does. “Men don’t cry,” I told him. “Now Come HERE” But he would not come. He just cried. He’s not my little man any more. I walked to him to take him, rescue him from you and your weakening influence. He recoiled. He resisted me so I grabbed him, and shook him. “You’re ten years old dammit, act like a man!” I yelled at him. I shouldn’t have done it, but he wasn’t listening. He wouldn’t obey. Oh Dezzie, they took so much after you. He cried when I yelled at him. So I slapped him, told him to shape up, be a man, just like my father taught me. But he kept crying, “You killed mommy, you killed mommy.” The accusation again, I couldn’t stand it. I tried to stop his screaming, but he wouldn’t stop until my knuckles were bloody, and he lay lifeless.
Oh Dezzie how could you do this to me. You stole Jack from me; made him weak like you. And Zeke, oh Zeke, he was curled up under his bed; scared out of his mind. He didn’t want to come with me either. You’d poisoned him too. Nine years old, his black hair hidden under that blanket that we’d given to him as a present so many years ago; why is he hiding? He hides because you told him that I was a bad man. Dezzie, he fought me as I pulled him from under the bed, I pulled and he scratched and bit, like you. I grabbed him by the throat and pulled until he gave way. Such a small boy, but he has so much fight. He would have made quite a man, big and strong like his dad. I carried him to the doorway, where you and Jack were stirring.
You cried out for me to stop, “Don’t take my boys from me!” you said. Don’t take your boys, don’t take your boys, they were our boys. You took them from me first. I was so surprised by your yell that I stopped, and as I looked at you, you shrank from me. “What did I ever do to you, what are you so afraid,” I exclaimed, “If you had only loved me, none of this would have happened. If you had stayed with me in my weakness; if you had loved me as I loved you, we could have been happy together. Why don’t you see that?” you looked up at me, at a loss for words. Are you surprised that I love you? Is that it? Oh Dezzie, if you only knew. My whole body is in anguish over you. I’ve lost you.
But my pain and my shame was not enough. You let out a terrible scream, a plea for help. Your voice was full of tears, and hate. I had to stop that sound, that infernal screeching. Don’t you understand I couldn’t take it anymore. You wouldn’t listen to reason. You wouldn’t quiet down. I had to cover your mouth again. You fought more spiritedly this time, but it was to no avail. As you fought your body twisted and convulsed. You moved my hands from your mouth down to your throat, it was no longer enough to muffle the noise, I had to stop it, but you would not relent. Oh Dezzie I didn’t want to do it, but the more that you fought, the stronger I had to hold on to you. The tighter I gripped your neck, the more power I felt in my arms. My hands became the edges of a vice that I no longer controlled. Every twist of your body was the turn of the screw. My hands forced farther and farther inward. My face contorted into a mask to match yours. That face that was no longer yours; Eyes bulging and tongue hanging out, like some Maori warrior, the scars like tattoos of battles lost. The fight was over. I didn’t even have time to mourn. Jake was trying to call the police, he’d gotten up, he was crying into the phone. I took it from him and slammed it down. “What do you think you’re doin’ you little shit. I slapped him again, and again… He’s lost a lot of blood. He hasn’t moved in ten minutes.
Oh God Dezzie what have I done. Zeke is hiding, I don’t know where he is and I don’t have the heart to find him. Jack’s on the floor, by the phone. I can hear the phone beeping out his vain attempt at rescue. Look what I’ve become. I’m a monster. I’m just like you. You did this to me. It’s all your fault. I know what I’ll do, I’ll get your gun, no one can stop me then. I know that you keep it in the headboard of your bed… it should be… yes here it is.
I’m so sorry.
I love you.
Good bye.
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